March 02, 2005

Red Tape, Redefined

Move over, Nixon! The latest president to deny his crook status now has secret tapes of his very own. Recently released by George W. Bush pal Doug Wead, these recordings offer startling insights into the man who would soon be called president (by the Supreme Court). Among the startling revelations: Bush basically admitted that he smoked pot, once considered John Ashcroft as vice president and actually questioned courting religious fundamentalists.

Quotations from the tape illustrate a future world leader in the making. More importantly, they help answer the burning question: “What the hell were they thinking?”

Oct. 23, 1998, 3:16 p.m.

“Hey, George! Doug here!”

“Doug Wead! I love that name, Wead! Because, you know, it sounds like weed.”

“Just so you know, I’m secretly taping this conversation for historical purposes.”

“I feel like Monica Lewinsky!”

“Speaking of Monica, Bill Clinton’s been taking some abuse lately, huh? I hope the Republicans pounce on this.”

“Are you kidding? With such a scandal on Democrats, our party’s a lock in the next election. Any clue on who’s running?”

“Well, some of the names in the rumor mill right now are Steve Forbes, Dan Quayle, John McCain and you.”

“But I can’t run for president! It’s 1998!”

“Er…well, now’s a good time to think ahead.”

“You’re right. I would have to unify a loyal base of voters. On what could I run?”

“Well, sir, you’re the governor of Texas. That’s no small feat.”

“Actually, yes it is. What else you got?”

“You also ran the Texas Rangers.”

“Are you kidding? I traded Sammy Sosa! And he just clobbered the home run record.”

“Yeah, but Mark McGwire beat him to it! Gotta think positively.”

“Good point. I’m positive I’ll be president!”

“That’s very optimistic, George.”

Dec. 4, 1999, 2:42 p.m.

“Doug, I’ve got a no-miss idea for my campaign. Bush Y2K! What do you think?”

“You already have the paranoid vote, George. If you really want to attract voters, you should focus on the pertinent issues. First off, we need a catchphrase.”

“I’ve got that one covered. I like the title of Marvin Olasky’s upcoming book, Conceited Conservatism.”

“George, that’s Compassionate Conservatism.”

“Oh. Don’t like that as much, but it’ll do. Now how about foreign policy? And domestic scandal? I certainly don’t want to be caught with my pants down. In any sense.”

“Don’t worry. No one would ever accuse you of making love, not war.”

“And I’m concerned about alienating voters by pushing religious issues. I realize that America comprises a variety of spiritual viewpoints. So should I bash gays or should I just hate the sin of gayism?”

“Do what your heart tells you, George. Remember, your beliefs are right and no one can tell you otherwise.”

“True. Daddy told me that I’ve been wrong only once. And that was when I thought I was wrong. [Both laugh] I’m also up in arms about the marijuana question. I mean, what if I say yes?”

“Then do what every politician does. Issue a non-denial.”

“I could say I never exhaled.”

“Now you’re catching on!”

Aug. 2, 2000, 11:14 p.m.

“I think the Republicans might nominate me to be their candidate tomorrow. Should I say yes?”

"Of course, George! This is what we’ve been working up to all this time!”

“I don’t know. That Al Gore, he’s pretty stiff competition. Literally! [Both laugh] I guess if I just be myself, then I’ll do well.”

“Yes, as long as by ‘being yourself,’ you mean being the folksy Washington outsider that we’ve rehearsed so much. Go for it!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, I expect…I take exception…I—”

“Accept.”

“Accept your nomination! How was that?”

“Well, there’s always Florida.”

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