March 24, 2004

Do Not Read This

This week I want to share with you a letter that accidentally ended up in my hands a few days ago. I forgot about it until yesterday, when I popped in “Jurassic Park” and watched Laura Dern dig into a pile of dinosaur crap. Suddenly I remembered that I had it.

Secret Memo
From: Ed Gillespie, chairman, Republican National Committee
To: His Presidential Majesty, the Right Honorable George W. Bush
Cc: Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, John Hinson

Dear Mr. President,

How are you? I am fine. How are you doing on your homework? Good, I hope. This memo is to update you on your bang-up reelection bid. I hope that we can continue to work together toward the common goal of handing John Kerry his buns on a platter. We uphold the finest standards to ensure that your campaign represents the party’s philosophy at its best.

We have accused the Democrats of being negative in the most negative tone possible. Just look how Kerry called us “the most crooked…lying group of people I’ve ever seen.” Because Kerry said that, we have no choice but to helplessly follow his example and go negative all the time! We must continue to expose this vile man for what he is: a war-protesting, fear-mongering, utterly negative, name-calling vat of scum who will personally ask Osama bin Laden to come in and nuke us. Let nothing get in the way of this impression, not even the facts!

We have used only the most maudlin footage of Sept.11, 2001. If we couldn’t find footage that met our standards for tastelessness, then we shot our own! I must say, manufactured scenes of firefighters pulling out a flag-draped stretcher are hard to pull off properly. But the actors who played the firefighters gave it their all. Sure, almost all of the victims’ families decried this ad as the worst abuse ever of a national tragedy. But how many victims were there, 3,000? That’s hardly a sizable voting bloc.

Even with our already huge campaign war chest, we continue to raise funds like no one else. Key to this has been picking the right stumping spots. Visiting Eisenhower Park on Long Island to dedicate a 9/11 memorial was a nice enough gesture. But then immediately holding a fundraiser there afterwards and raising $1.6 million? Genius! And because you demanded that your shoes were never to touch dirt, you gave work to the crews who spent considerable time laying asphalt and wood chips at your pristine feet. Best of all, these experiences are preparing us for the Republican Convention at Ground Zero in September. It’ll be a blowout!

Only one issue seems to be a problem at this point: you recently announced that you would revoke the one-hour time limit on your availability to the 9/11 commission. Are you nuts? Look what happened to Bill Clinton when he lent himself to our Monica Lewinsky interrogation. He was there all day receiving devastating questions that nearly derailed his presidency. The same thing could happen to you! And remember, that was about an issue that we could barely force people to care about. I guarantee you that people care about 9/11.

Even that, however, depends on how far we are willing to let the interrogation reach our airwaves—I mean, the public’s airwaves. That reminds me, Rupert at Fox News still owes me that rifle that he borrowed when we went hunting together. And I still have a Valentine’s Day gift I forgot to give him.

Well, George, I have to go now. Keep up the good work!

Your friend, Eddie


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