February 18, 2004

Janet’s Breast, Part Two

Seventeen days after the Super Bowl and still we’re hung up on Janet Jackson! Just to prove what a corruptive influence her split-second flash was to our wholesome and innocent youth, news outlets have shown it over and over and over and over. Just so you know that it corrupted your children and all.

Pundits across the airwaves and press are calling the halftime telecasts, among other things, “vulgar and sleazy.” Who uses words like that anymore? They’re so stilted and archaic, much like the decency squad. A staff editorial in The Daily Advertiser summed up the show, calling it “the climax of an evening of sleaze.” That’s right, the climax. Such filthy language in a family newspaper!

During the show, several viewers called Houston authorities, demanding that Janet be arrested. No such calls were made for Justin Timberlake, because everyone knows this is entirely Janet’s fault. She asked for it! Can we be anymore viciously sexist?

The incident even got Justin’s pal J.C. Chasez banned from the Pro Bowl halftime show. And while I’m not necessarily against banning members of N SYNC from halftime entertainment, it is unfair to make J.C. guilty by association.

The FCC declared a formal investigation into the stunt between Janet and Justin less than 24 hours after the event. Meanwhile, the investigation into 9/11 has yet to begin. Then again, we are living in times when John Ashcroft has covered the statue of justice to prevent him from catching a glimpse of the offending breast. Or maybe it was because he hates to be reminded of the concept of justice.

Speaking of justice, Terri Carlin of Knoxville, Tenn. Somehow filed a $1 billion suit against the artist for causing her to “suffer outrage, anger, embarrassment and serious injury.” Something tells me we’re not about to hear the usual conservative talk about “frivolous lawsuits” for awhile.

Some talk-radio shill (either O’Reilly or Hannity, not that it matters), was ranting about how we need to acknowledge a higher power so that our kids won’t be led to hell through Janet’s breast. Funny how God’s glorious creation is suddenly obscene when exposed to the world.

The religious right has conveniently defined every aspect of this incident for all of us. The Super Bowl, we are assured, is a “family” broadcast, crotch-biting beer commercials and all. Evidently, by “family” they mean a tight-knit and pious group of unbelievably innocent children with married heterosexual parents who bristle at the use of “darn” on TV. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But why can’t they take into account other families? Like, say, Mama’s Family? Or the Addams Family? How about mine? My guess is that most families aren’t what they’d call “family.”

I respect how parents choose to raise their children, even if I disagree with how they do it. Parents should be the ultimate authority on what they feel their children can handle. The government, then, needs to stop trying to child-proof society. The Supreme Court decided decades ago that communication cannot be censored to a child’s level. If I, as an adult, want to watch the Super Bowl halftime show, I will. If you don’t want your children to watch such sport, exert some authority and turn it off. Better yet, crank up a game of Ultra Felony Fighter Spree 24. Now that’s rated “E” for everyone!

Bodies are good. They’re symbolic of life and beauty. No nudity has ever started a war. No breast ever gave tax money to multi-billionaires and nuclear missiles. Breasts are not obscene. Glorified violence, lies, hypocrisy and Puritanism are the real obscenities.

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