September 16, 2003

Speech Therapy

WASHINGTON, Sept. 7—Four months have passed; time for another insipid Bush speech:

“Good evening, my Americans. On Sept. 11, 2001, al-Qaida—er, Iraq—attacked the civilized world. And we have done our best to ensure that Iraq no longer resembles anything close to civilization. We have accomplished this swiftly and with only the most humane method of brutal warfare.

“History has taken a different turn. Contrary to the obsolete warfare of our past, in which America fought only in justified acts of defense, we have taken the fight to the enemy. This way, even if they didn’t do anything to us, they become our enemy anyway and it all works out. By taking the fight to Iraq, for example, we have killed hundreds and ensured that no weapons of mass destruction ever materialized there.

“Thanks to our victories in the War on Terror, we have terrorists on the run. They now fight in the shadows, out of sight until the kill. Untold numbers of foreign terrorists have come into Iraq, ready to rape the country. What nerve! For this and other reasons, Iraq is now the central front in the War on Terror. They must be defeated. We don’t know if Iraq actually harbored terror, but oh well.

“We have three objectives in the Iraqi Theater, two of which I dare speak about; we must stop other terrorists and enlist multinational support. We have the mighty British and Polish forces serving beside us, but we’ve asked a third party to help us just in case. The UN has the opportunity and the responsibility to help us where they were smart enough to refuse us before. We need to create a multinational force in Iraq, and badly. We cannot let past differences interfere with my present duties.

“Our top priority is transferring sovereignty to Iraqi people. Opening countries up to freedom would be a grave setback for international terrorism. For this reason, we are taking our time with the transition to democracy. This will take a super-duper long time. Measures such as drafting a constitution and having free elections require a lot of research on my part.

“We arrived as liberators and we will leave as liberators. In the meantime, we have to get out of this ‘everyone hates us’ in-between phase. This will require new resources. I will soon submit a request to Congress for $87 billion to cover all of these things. With federal programs dying and so many people out of work, it’s not like they need the money.

“With these funds, we will restore basic services such as electricity and water and schools. In Iraq, I mean. Iraqis can rest assured that in just a few months they’ll have drinkable water again. Soon we’ll also have top-notch power grid set up there just like the one that services our heavily populated northeast. And when it comes to schools, no child will be left behind.

I offer this assurance to the more than 50 million liberated people in Afghanistan and Iraq: there will be no going back to the days of the dictator and fear. We must realize, too, that there will be no return to the days before 9/11. I will make sure that there is no feeling of false comfort, or real comfort, ever again.

Young soldiers of America, please know that your country supports you. You understand the great cause you are in. Well, I do anyway. Because the dangers have not passed, we accept the duties of your generation. May the God I believe in continue to bless me and bless America. Amen.

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