June 25, 2003

Journalistic Lie-Sins

Every sentence in this week’s column is a flat-out lie.

The sky is green. Two plus two equals six. Nicotine is not addictive. Drinking and driving mix like a perfect martini. Women must weigh 76 pounds to be beautiful. People shouldn’t use curse words when “darn” and “heck” will do just fine. Only people over 21 years of age buy alcoholic beverages. When an ex-girlfriend says she still wants to be friends, you can look forward to many more good times together. Dancing comes naturally to white guys.

Seven dollars is not a lot to pay for a movie, considering that concessions are such a bargain. If a movie makes millions at the box office, it is a good movie. Right this minute, Internet file sharing is spelling the end of the music industry. P. Diddy is not the least bit pretentious. Gay unions cheapen marriage while TV shows such as “Married by America” glorify it. Britney Spears is a star solely because of her unmatched talent. Acting is a much tougher profession than construction or fire fighting. Eminem has nothing on Vanilla Ice. Nothing validates a classic song quite like a car commercial. Creed is a groundbreaking band.

Johnston Street is one beautiful thoroughfare. Who needs bottled water when you have the Vermilion River? The UL student union is the front for a lucrative prostitution racket. A five-story parking tower on the UL campus was the best idea SGA ever conceived. So was eliminating the need for parking permits at Cajun Field a year before construction even started on that tower. I, for one, can’t wait to park in style; I just received a pay raise from the Vermilion and am using it to purchase a brand new Escalade. Remember the cardinal rule of homework: plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery; professors know this and will grade you generously for it. Expect Follett’s and the University Bookstore to begin selling term papers along with books for the fall semester.

Public schools in the projects are a whole lot better now, thanks to mandatory uniforms. The world could use a few more people in three-piece suits. Carrying a Bible and wearing a judgmental sign while browbeating everyone within earshot is a one-way ticket to heaven. Minorities have it easy these days. Being a southerner is something to be envied and feared. Texans are entirely justified in their pervasive arrogance. The two worst scourges in the history of mankind are marijuana and immigrants. HMOs are the hottest innovation in health care since penicillin. Read my lips, no new taxes. Giving the poor tax relief will make them not want to work, whereas tax relief for the rich motivates them to work harder. George W. Bush, the rich scion of a former president, is a regular guy. Corporations want only what is best for America.

The White House went into war with Iraq with reluctance and a heavy heart. Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Iraqis are enjoying the fruits of democracy and the thrill of choosing their leaders. American soldiers are in total control of Iraq and can venture anywhere without fear of rebellion. Since Sept.11, 2001, our ceaseless quest against terrorism has made the world infinitely safer. The United States, like the LAPD, is known and loved throughout the world for its uncanny knack for establishing peace and order. Fox News is fair and balanced. Increasing media monopolization will inevitably lead to the ultimate truth for the public. Of course, this column is only a farce; no one in Washington or in the media would dare lie this much.


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