April 02, 2003

This Little Skirmish Affair

Coming up on “More Than Words”: the War on Iraq! Personally, I am outraged by the lack of adequate coverage on television, in newspapers and the Internet.

Seriously. CAN WE PLEASE HAVE A BREAK? I know that we are in the midst of manufacturing history, but why do we act like war is the only thing going on? All over television, the talking heads yammer on about the need to suspend the broadcasts of the Final Four and the Oscars. Network suits act as if we need to see death and devastation 24/7 to be American.

I can’t shake the feeling that the war’s massive presence in our information gullets is corporate America’s way to keep us paranoid and preoccupied. However, I am impressed that the networks are honest enough to offer glimpses at the devastation in Baghdad. Maybe if people see how much our actions in Iraq resemble al-Qaida’s actions on Sept. 11, they will stop and think twice. Here are highlights of some of the low points of this period in history.

1) This war is NOT about oil. Honestly, it’s not! It’s not like the media is repeatedly reminding us of this because they’re being defensive. It’s the absolute truth. Seriously! This war is not about oil! Not about oil!

2) You have to love the newest catchphrase, “Shock and Awe™!” Anyone who is at all shocked by military operations in Iraq under a Bush administration is too retarded to understand this concept in the first place. Does this mean we were “shocked and awed” by Sept. 11?

3) The Dixie Chicks were wrong to say they are ashamed that George W. Bush is a Texan. How dare they say something so appalling—Bush was born in Connecticut!

4) Come to think of it, ALL celebrities should keep their mouths shut about the war! This regulation, of course, does not apply to Charlton Heston, Charlie Daniels, Toby Keith, R. Lee Ermey or any other REAL American celebrity.

5) Michael Waters-Bey, who blasted Bush on live TV March 22 for killing his only son, should not be taken at face value. Bush didn’t kill Kendall directly. He only SENT him out to die!

6) Regardless of our stance on the war, we must support our troops all the way. Our brave young men and women did not choose to be in this battle, but now they are there. It is our solemn duty as Americans to pull for them to kill as many Iraqis as possible. It’s the patriotic thing to do!

7) We all must pray for our troops and tie yellow ribbons around trees. Nothing brings peace like religion and symbolic gestures.

Forgive me for being a bit cynical, but these times just beg for it. Of course, good things ARE going on in the world and I’d be dishonest if I ignored them. Let’s check the bowels of the press:

1) Elizabeth Smart returned safely home to her parents, after nine months missing, two weeks ago. Yes, this is good news. Abducted children do not make the news nearly enough (and then because they’re cute). I am grateful for her safe return, and only hope that her religious and protective parents raise her better than her religious and protective kidnappers.

2) The stock market rose at its highest pace in 20 years last week. If a bouncy ball hits the ground, it has no choice but to come back up!

3) Um…Maybe I’ll find something else next week.

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