March 18, 2003

Hawk Talk: Bush Meets the Press

WASHINGTON, March 6—I am here at the White House pressroom in feverish anticipation of tonight’s address by George W. Bush. Armed with the latest information on the war situation, Bush is expected to outline the latest status of the conflict in Iraq. The transcript follows:

“Good evening, you Americans. Tonight, I present to you the latest information on my war with Iraq. We have set a deadline of March 17 for Saddam Hussein to disarm his weapons of mass destruction. Still, Saddam has not even started disarming his weapons of mass destruction. We must do whatever it takes to defend freedom on our shores so that Saddam Hussein can never use his weapons of mass destruction on our people in another Sept. 11, 2001 incident. Weapons of mass destruction. Iraq. The events of Sept. 11, 2001. Nucular weapons. Saddam Hussein. Terra. Get it? Good. God Bless America! Amen. (Huge applause.)

“I will now offer the floor to reporters. Please identify yourself and your affiliated news agency. You, in front, with the big hair.”

“Deborah Graham, Polite Press. Mr. President, what will happen if Saddam Hussein disregards your deadline, or is otherwise unable to fully cooperate by the set date?”

“Well, Deborah, it’s a given that Saddam will never cooperate, so we haven’t even considered that course of action. No matter what, however, you can bet that he will pay for his failure to disarm his weapons of mass destruction. Next please, with the big flag pin.”

“Mr. President, I am Brit Hume with Fox News. Before I ask my question, I wanted to praise you for the speech you just gave. It was downright Churchillian. My question is this: is your similarity to Winston Churchill in any way related to your status as the greatest human being who ever lived?”

“Well, my being like Churchill has a lot to do with the evil that Saddam and his weapons of mass destruction rain upon us. Great question! Okay, I have time for just one more before I go to bed. You, the guy way in the back without sleeves….”

“Hi, I’m Ian McGibboney with the University of Louisiana at Lafayette Vermilion—”

“Oh…my boys at the Pentagon told me about you.”

“Tell them hi for me. Because rehashing all of the questionable actions of your presidency would take years, I have settled on one question: why is the disarmament deadline March 17? That’s unreasonably early, isn’t it? My article will not run until March 19, so what can I expect in the meantime?”

“Hey, it’s no problem! I can give you all of the information you need tonight. You see, we’ve made it clear throughout this whole crisis that nothing anyone says or does is going to get in the way of our goals. We’ve already made up our minds regarding Iraq. Because we have already decided the future, it’ll be available for you in the lobby tonight so your article won’t be too outdated by the time it makes print.”

“You write your own news ahead of time? Are you serious?”

“Of course! Ask most press outlets. They run it all the time!”

After the speech, Fox commentator Sean Hannity and Democratic presidential hopeful Joe Lieberman offered their reactions.

“President Bush really stuck it to those liberal wackos,” said Hannity. “He showed them why war is what God wants for our exalted nation!”

“I agree,” Lieberman droned, “President Bush had some new and enlightening points. He sounded downright Churchillian. We Democrats must support him all the way.”

Asked to comment, veteran presidential reporter Helen Thomas said simply, “Yikes.”

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