February 04, 2003

The State of the States

Last Tuesday’s State of the Union address was more predictable than a Buccaneers-Bengals game, but here’s a transcript for the masochistic:

“Good evening, Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, Pat Robertson, Charlton Heston and all you common Americans.

“As we assemble here tonight, the United States stands on a major threshold in its history. We step into 2003 facing tough economic times and the promise—er, prospect—of war in Iraq. But rest assured that this administration will address every domestic need by ensuring that all evildoers get smoked out. (Everyone stands in ovation.)

“On the home front, the United States has made tremendous progress in the past year. With the adoption of the new Office of Homeland Security, we will put to rest the failings of multiple large bureaucracies in the age of terror. This newer, streamlined bureaucracy will work far better in issuing new terror-alert colors each day. (Republicans stand in ovation.)

“We must be ever vigilant in our crusade to weed out terror wherever it may exist. In 2003, this administration will not stand for the belligerence exerted by nations who continually impede us in our goals. That’s why I call for all Americans to be on constant alert for activity from such rogue nations as China, France and Germany, the ‘Axis of Skepticism.’ (Republicans stand, applaud thunderously and whoop.)

“Of course, the big issue on everyone’s minds—and certainly mine—is the impending War on Iraq. As everyone now knows, Saddam Hussein is a vicious dictator who must be stopped from killing his people at all costs. The possibility of this man owning weapons of mass destruction is too serious to ignore. After all, this man tried to kill my dad! That is why this administration has continually rejected the UN weapons inspectors’ assertion that little has been found. The lack of significant discovery of weapons of mass destruction is only further proof that Iraq is lying to us. Maybe if they would just admit to their artillery, even if they don’t have it, we would not go to war there. But don’t bet on that. Their admission, I mean. (Republicans cheer vigorously; Donald Rumsfeld begins speaking in tongues.)

“I think the Iraqi people will welcome our initiative. I know that the freedom-seeking people of Iraq will eagerly embrace foreign soldiers going door to door, ransacking their homes looking for their leader. We will show Iraq just what American freedom is all about. (Republicans do jumping jacks; John Ashcroft cracks first-ever grin.)

“Yes, I am talking to you, Saddam Hussein. You are a vicious dictator with weapons of mass destruction! We will get you for violating the UN by violating the UN ourselves! I—we will go to war with you regardless of how many weapons you may have and have hidden, or may not have and didn’t hide, or may not have and hidden anyway! (Democrats thunderously applaud at this non-mangled sentence.) Iraq, Iraq, Iraq! (Note: for the sake of space and sanity, 25 minutes of this rant has been edited.)

“Some Americans are also hung up on education, health care and the environment. This year I will propose to Congress a $34-billion package to launch a PR campaign showing how much this administration cares about those things.

“My citizens, this will be the year where we do everything in our power to assure that Iraq never again falls to the tyranny that is an oppressively theocratic and nationalistic regime. With that in mind, God Bless America!” (Bush exits; Republicans sway cigarette lighters and shout, “Encore!”)


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