August 28, 2002

The Good, Bad and Beautiful

I love UL Lafayette, which is why I am a perpetual student and plan never to leave. Whether it’s daily doses of communications and political science, doing last-minute assignments at Dupre Library, goofing off in Guillory Hall, dog paddling at the Aquatic Center, or working at the track and the Vermilion, I am always happy to be at my home away from home. (I’m actually from Lafayette, but that’s beside the point.)

In the interest of improving our lot, this list touches on a host of campus issues that will surprise no one. My guess is that Cheramie has the lock on security matters, so my list focuses on more benign topics, some of which might even have solutions! At least they prove that we all stand in the same long line at some point.

1) Campus parking: a microcosm of typical Louisiana driving.

Call me psycho, but I think UL Lafayette parking is perfect the way it is, especially when you consider the alternatives.

Seeing as how the university campus was built around small roads--originally designed for Fideaux to rest his carcass while Farmer Breaux received his eighth-grade learnin’ at SLII--an ugly, traffic-snarling, on-campus parking garage is probably not the answer.

Nor should we base permit priority on classification—this isn’t UL Lafayette High. Instead, test each applicant in parallel parking; if they can complete the maneuver in any passable way, offer to sell them a sticker. Not only would that reduce Cajun Field congestion by 75 percent, but might spell an end to cars on Hebrard Boulevard altogether.

Regardless of any changes, however, people will still find ways to park anywhere. So it looks like the Social Darwinist system we’ve got now will stick around.
Of course, bicycles are always a perfect alternative for those (three) days when it doesn’t rain.

2) ULLISIS: like trying to be the ninth caller in a radio contest.

What other online service has seven ways to say, “Sorry, we deliberately disconnected you?” I like to hit the “refresh” icon repeatedly to see which one will pop up next. ULLISIS has helped multitudes of students overcome their addiction to scheduling.

3) Classes at 8 a.m.: morning sickness of the worst kind!

Early-morning classes are like childbirth and getting dead drunk; you swear this is the last time ever! But the following semester, there they are again.

4) A vending machine’s attractiveness is inversely related to how well it works.

Much like the dating scene, anyone interested in a quick snack fix must wade through the sea of seductively adorned machines to find the rare non-pretentious vendor that actually works. If the vending-machine mafia in Guillory Hall has ever bled you dry, then you know what I’m talking about. It is better to gamble your dollar on an ugly machine, preferably one that looks unplugged, tucked away behind some staircase.

5) The change machine in Guillory Hall is a bigger clown than Ronald McDonald could ever hope to be.

One very picky eater, it is the only change machine I’ve ever seen that actually smirks at you; even its “out-of-order” light is out of order.

Okay, so the grass may sometimes seem greener on the other side, but look at it this way: grass isn’t supposed to be green in the fall. Ragin’ Cajuns do have a lot to be happy about!

1) Long lines allow you to meet that special someone.

Depending on the line, you may go through two or three relationships before you have a chance to write that large check.

2) There is no crime on campus.

This is evidenced by the recent lack of Crime Logs in the Vermilion.

3) The ever-popular Strip.

Perfect for those nights when you want to do something UNUSUAL.

4) The easy-to-read grade reports.

Okay, maybe not.